Fox

[Pikachu]

This is Fox's school thread. Only Fox and I can post here unless you have a really good piece of advice.

Now then Fox, here is the situation I want you to create an opening post for;

You are a member of the Fire Nation who is currently searching for the Avatar in order to do whatever you want to do (kill him, help him,etc.) You're currently inside a noisy Earth Kingdom tavern thinking about where to go next.

Things you'll want to consider as you type:
-Describe the tavern. It's sights, smells, noise, etc.
-How does your person react to the tavern atmosphere? Are they annoyed by it, or are they feeling something completely else.
-Describe how your person feels about the Avatar and why they feel that way.
-Show us how your person thinks and how it affects their choice on where to go.
-How does your person react once they decide on a location? Do they just smile, pack up, and go to bed so they can leave in the morning? Or do they calmly start collecting there things to prepare to leave immediately?

[fox]

Lee was just chilling back at the tavern. He went to look for the Avatar, and ended up there. The tavern was lick a bar and it was messy. Lee wants to fined the Avatar and join him. After Lee got sum RnR he went to the nearest city, Omasha, to hunt for the Avatar.

[Pikachu]

Jul 30, 2008 15:23:03 GMT -5 fox said:

Lee was just chilling back at the tavern. He went to look for the Avatar, and ended up there. The tavern was lick a bar and it was messy. Lee wants to fined the Avatar and join him. After Lee got sum RnR he went to the nearest city, Omasha, to hunt for the Avatar.

Okay, first off, spelling mistakes. Not to bad, but "lick" should be "like", "fined" should be "find", "sum" should be "some", and "Omasha" should be "Omashu".

Next, and this is the most important rule for a post; DETAIL. I gave you a nice amount of stuff to think about and you pretty much didn't follow through with it. Let's see if I can give you an example;

Lee coughed as he choked on the smoke filled atmosphere. The tavern he was staying at was pretty shady, and so there was a bunch of drunks hanging around and fighting with each other. He had already sent a few of them packing when they tried something with him. By this point everyone knew not to mess with him.

Sure, it was an annoying place to be, but it was necessary. He was searching for the Avatar, and he was suppossed to meet a contact here to give him some information. For some reason the guy was late, and when mixed with this atmosphere Lee was fuming mad.

"So then, did you here the rumor about that flying bison that got shot down over some woods near the coast?"

"Yeah I did. They say it looked like there was an airbender and two waterbenders riding it. Coming from the North Pole or something?"

Lee didn't hear the rest of the conversation, but he didn't need to. He knew that Waterbenders were the next part of the cycle, and not just any Waterbender would travel like that. That meant one of those waterbenders might just be the Avatar. And after a 'rough' conversation with the men he was able to get some more information about their location.

Knowing of the ability of waterbenders to heal, it wouldn't be long before they got that bison flying again. And so he headed up to his room to pack, preparing to leave immediately for this forest...and the Avatar.

There, you see how more informative that is. It tells us what the place is like, how Lee was feeling and why, his thinking, and a whole lot more. Now, not every post needs to be that long, but an intro post should be longer than a normal post.

Remember; Detail is key to a good post. A good post really gets into the description and thought process of a character.

[fox]

im redy to try agin

[fox]

im redy to try the school agin

[Pikachu]

Alright, first off, you really should have Microsoft Word open or something because your spelling and grammar is just horrible. That sentence should be:

I'm ready to try the school again.

Next, follow the same scenario presented above. Remember to focus on details. Describe the inn and it's patrons, and all that other stuff I asked about in the first post.

[fox]

Lee was drinking a bear thanking about the avatar but the tavern was so loud and smelly. Lee made his way thru the fights and conversatchons of others in the tavern. He made his way out and sat on a bench infrunt of the old ugly tavern. He sat out and watched some birds play in the forest. Two guys came up they was talking about the avatar. One guy sed he seen the avatar in omashu. They spotted lee then went in the tavern lee quickly ran back in the tavern. The guys went into a room up stares lee tried to not make a sound. But the stares was so sciky he made it they sed the avatar was in ba-sin-said. Lee ran to his room and started packing. The next day he set off onto his gurney.

[Pikachu]

Alright, you're still having problems with grammar and spelling. Better that time, but still need to work. Remember, proper nouns are always capitalized (city names, person names, etc.). So everytime you say Lee, you have to capitalize it. Sam with Ba-Sing-Se. And you really need to run it through a spell checker program, though that won't catch everything.

Next, you're fitting way too many things into one post. You're moving too fast. You need to step back some and focus in on a certain part of the story. It's all action and no thought. Why is he thinking about the Avatar? What is making the tavern loud and smelly with lots of fight? Why is he at the inn if it's so bad anyways? Where exactly is this inn?

Let's start with improving that part, then we'll move on to improving the second half of that paragraph.

[fox]

Lee was drinking a bear thanking about the avatar if he wants to help him or not. but the tavern was so loud and smelly their was sweat and dead rats everywhere. Lee stud up off the chair and made his way thru the fights and conversatchons of others in the tavern. He made his way out and sat on a bench infrunt of the old ugly tavern. He sat out and watched some birds play in the forest. Two guys came up they was talking about the avatar. One guy sed he seen the avatar in omashu. They spotted lee then went in the tavern lee quickly ran back in the tavern. The guys went into a room up stares lee tried not to make a sound. But the stares was so sciky he made it up and one guy said the avatar was in ba-sin-se. Lee ran to his room and started packing. The next day he set off onto his gurney from the tavern out in the forest to find the avatar.

[Pikachu]

Alright Fox, I think you missed the point. You still have a lot of spelling mistakes, but we'll worry about that later. Now then, I said we'll ignore the second part of the paragraph so just get rid of everything past the birds in forest.

As I said, I want you try and expand upon those parts. The problem right now is that you are rushing everything, putting a lot of action but not details. You're telling us what your character is doing, but not what they are thinking and why they are thinking that. You still have ignored the biggest thing; WHY DOES HE WANT TO HELP THE AVATAR? Give him a reason to be so focused on the Avatar.

As for the inn, still didn't explain why the inn was so bad. Was it a cheap inn, bad innkeeper, a combination of both? Was everybody just plain drunk?

By the way, you might want to change "Bear" to "beer". Bears are a large animal (think Grizzly bears, Polar bears, Black Bears, etc.) Beer is a drink.

[fox]

Lee was back at the tavern dranking a beer and thanking. He was thanking about the avatar that he was going to help him. Lee wants to stop the war because his father is going to war. But he couldn’t thank with that harabol smell of rats and swet and all the noes in the tavern.thear was drunk people fighting and lots of talking so he got up and went outside so he could thank.he was siting out on a stump and thanking out loud he said he wanted to stop the war. So he had it made out in his mined he was going to hellp the avatar stop the war but now he needs to find the avatar. Suddenly two guys walked up all lee herd was avatar then they spoted him and went in the tavern. Lee ran in the door and folode them around to see what they said. But all he herd was ba sin sa and omashu but then he herd thet the avatar was in ba sin sa.

[Pikachu]

Jul 22, 2009 16:35:57 GMT -5 fox said:

Lee was back at the tavern [glow=red,2,300]dranking[/glow] a beer and [glow=red,2,300]thanking[/glow]. He was [glow=red,2,300]thanking[/glow] about the [glow=red,2,300]avatarthat he was going to help him[/glow] . Lee[glow=red,2,300] wants [/glow]to stop the war because his father[glow=red,2,300] is going to war[/glow]. But he couldn’t [glow=red,2,300]thank[/glow] with that [glow=red,2,300]harabol[/glow] smell of rats and [glow=red,2,300]swet[/glow] and all the [glow=red,2,300]noes [/glow]in the tavern.[glow=red,2,300]thear was [/glow]drunk people fighting and lots of talking so he got up and went outside so he could[glow=red,2,300] thank[/glow].[glow=red,2,300]he was siting [/glow]out on a stump and [glow=red,2,300] thanking [/glow]out loud[glow=red,2,300] he said [/glow]he wanted to stop the war. So he had it made out in his [glow=red,2,300]mined[/glow] he was going to [glow=red,2,300]hellp[/glow] the [glow=red,2,300]avatar[/glow] stop the war [glow=red,2,300]but now he needs to find the avatar[/glow]. [glow=red,2,300]Suddenly two guys walked up all lee herd was avatar then they spoted him and went in the tavern[/glow]. Lee ran in the door and [glow=red,2,300]folode[/glow] them around to see what they said. [glow=red,2,300]But all he herd was ba sin sa and omashu but then he herd thet the avatar was in ba sin sa.[/glow]

Sorry that looks all wonky, but I needed to add something to emphasis all the mistakes. I'll use bolding in the future. For now just live with it.
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1) "Dranking" isn't a word. It is spelled "drinking"

2) "Thanking" isn't the right word. If you ever said "Thank you" to someone, that is thanking them. You want the word 'thinking'.

3) 'avatar' should be 'Avatar.' It is a proper noun in this universe. Also, you have a run-on sentence. It should read more like this:

"He was thinking about the Avatar and how he wanted to help him."

4)Okay, you changed tense there "Wants" is a present term, and in general everything is being written in past. It should be 'wanted'. Same with the 'is going to war'. Should be "was going to fight in the war" or something like that.

5)Again, thank should be think.

6)Harabol isn't a word. You were probably thinking of 'horrible'.

7)Swet should be 'sweat'

8)Noes should be 'noise'

9)Again, thank should be think

10) The sentence should be "He was sitting and thinking out loud" or some variant like that.

11) That was part of a runon sentence. You need a period before 'he', so it should read ".He said he wanted to stop the war."

12) "Mined" is the past test of "mine" which is a verb about digging underground for gold, silver, and other metals. You wanted the word 'mind'

13)Help is spelled with one l

14)Avatar should be capitalized.

15)Tense shift. Should read "but now he needed to find the Avatar."

16)You missed a good chance for some exposition here. You might want to have it more like this.

"As he was sitting there, two guys walked up the road towards the inn. They were chatting about something, but all Lee could hear was the word "Avatar". The men glanced over at Lee for a second, but then went back to their conversation, not giving him a second thought."

17)That should be 'followed'

18) Try something like this:

"All he could hear, however, was the words "Ba Sing Se" and "Omashu". Getting a little closer to them, he was able to make out more of the conversation."

Then you could actually write out a small bit of what the two men are speaking, instead of just telling us what Lee hears.
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Obviously, you have a spelling problem as well as a grammar problem. If you haven't noticed before, at the bottom of a thread there is a button that says 'reply'. If you click there, you are taken to a screen with a white square where you type a message. At the bottom of that there is a row of buttons that say

"Post Reply" "Preview" "Spell Check" "Reset"

After you are done typing, click spell check, and it'll run for you and point out misspelled words. However, if a word is spelled right but being used wrong, it'll miss it. You still have to have an idea of the correct spelling to get it though.

If you have Microsoft word, you can also write your post out there, and use it's spell check feature. Heck, they'll even tell you straight out if a word is wrong, or the grammar is messed up, with little highlights. Doing that should greatly help your grammar and spelling.

[fox]

Lee was back at the tavern dranking a beer and thanking. He was thanking about the avatar that he was going to help him. Lee wants to stop the war because his father is going to war. But he couldn’t thank with that harabol smell of rats and swet and all the noes in the tavern.thear was drunk people fighting and lots of talking so he got up and went outside so he could thank.he was siting out on a stump and thanking out loud he said he wanted to stop the war. So he had it made out in his mined he was going to hellp the avatar stop the war but now he needs to find the avatar. Suddenly two guys walked up all lee herd was avatar then they looked at him and went in the tavern. Lee ran in the door and folode them around to see what they said. But all he herd was ba sin sa and omashu but then he herd thet the avatar was in ba sin sa.